eighteen.

gay-chronicles


18.


MY FIRST KISS went a little like this:

It’s October of 2014–sometime during Fall Break of freshman year of college. Not all of my high school ways have left me, including my insane obsession with boys in the hopeless-romantic, desperate and single (and fat and loud) kind of way.

My undying, figurative boner for this particular individual hasn’t gone away for months. I’ve dreamt about him, some wet. I’ve imagined how I’d hold him or how we’d sing together in the car as his long, regularly dyed black emo hair flew in the wind. In school hallways, it was hard to spot him in a crowd of over-sized children (high schoolers) because he stands at five feet five inches. Even years later, he’s not grown an inch…

For this entry, I’d like to give him a code name: Diamond.

I met his sparkly blue eyes in theater class. Freshman or Sophomore year–I don’t remember, but it’s not super important.

He regularly wore a hoodie, baggy gym shorts and an old, worn-out set of Crocs on his very pale feet. I can’t recall what color. His “best friend” at the time was very fun to talk to–oh, god! she has a baby, now. She was a senior ready to graduate and didn’t have much care for what grade she’d get in an elective theater class. She was there because she had to be.

Not Diamond. There was something in him that signaled he needed to be there. In the halls, he’d walk with his head down, distracted from whatever high schoolers think about, but when he entered the threshold of this particular classroom, he’d be smiling from ear to ear.

Our friendship grew slowly. We’d share things about ourselves, some things we haven’t told to very many people, some things we haven’t entirely admitted to ourselves. I told him why I live with my grandparents or why I hate my stepdad and he told me about his family and his girlfriend.

I still remember her.

She was good at art and had a beautiful smile. She was going through the “emo phase,” too. Once, I wanted to do the emo phase thing, but that would never fly with my grandparents. Plus, I’m already an outcast: an awkward, overweight, biracial theater kid that can sing soprano parts in choir. If that’s not a phase in itself, I don’t know what is…

Diamond’s girlfriend and I became friends, too. She often had red highlights that I envied. But one day after school–just like in the movies, the three of us were near Diamond‘s locker. People fled by to go home, some running into us. We held our ground, we fought the crowd and we were doing the cool after school hangout thing, but when the conversation ended, they kissed. (As any couple does, I’m sure!)

They held on each other’s lips for longer than a peck, and I think I saw someone’s tongue slip. They must have been masters.

I became apprehensive.  I didn’t really know how to act–do I look the other way? Do I stare? Of course not, that’d indicate I like what I’m seeing. All I knew is that this kiss blew her red highlights out of the fucking water. I was red with envy.

My closeted ways prevented me from showing any jealousy. All I gave was my absolute support of their high school relationships that wouldn’t last.

I was right: They didn’t last.

Months later, he has come out to me as bisexual. During theater class when the bell hadn’t yet rung, we were behind a thin curtain on the “mini stage” where we’d often perform small skits. He begins fantasizing and drooling over this boy who dances in after school theater. This boy is a complete twink; equally blue eyes, skinny, blonde hair with the buzzed sides and just a little on top that hangs over his right eye. He’s the type that dances to Gaga on the regular and started smoking weed before it became cool.

We name him ‘Diamond,’ as a code word between us. Diamond explicitly states how he wouldn’t mind having unprotected sex with Diamond or that he has a fetish of being choked; yes, we are at this level of comfort with each other now. I raise my eyebrows at him, the whole “go for it!” thing.

But, Diamond and Diamond never had a chance. See, Diamond (the closeted Blondie) also had a girlfriend.

As Diamond and I grew, there was no doubt in my mind–or his–that I liked him.

But, we never had a chance, either. I accepted that.

Until October of 2014. Fall Break.

I’m out of the closet to most friends at this point–it’s incredible how one can be comfortable with their friends knowing but not their own family.

My grandparents surprised me with a phone call while I was away at college. They started by saying, “We’ve got some news, but we don’t want you to get upset.” SHE got a job offer in Alaska and HE was going along for the ride.

They’d be gone for months. I’m 18–much like the number of this entry–and I can make my own adults decisions, now.

I play it off real cool, “Aw, wow! That’s awesome for you guys. I’m not too upset. I promise.”

I did some quick math in my head:

Alaska = An Empty House. An Empty House = A Party. A Party = Alcohol. Alcohol = Fun.

I invited around 8 people. I think? But Diamond was for sure on the list. I forgot who supplied the booze, but I am forever grateful.

So, now there’s a handful of theater kids in both my adult-free living room and my bedroom. We are all having long talks, our words slurred.

I don’t recall the conversation. But I hang off the side of my bed, a friend sitting next to me laughing at my rather large butt. She slaps it. This is Diamond’s best-est friend, now. We can call her Fifi if you want.

Diamond is in the floor near my closet, just a few feet away from my bed looking up at us. I laugh at the sound my butt makes against Fifi’s palm.

I want to be closer to him. The moment feels special, because everyone was happy. I had thrown a successful party already. I was definitely happy. A plop myself onto the floor and place my head in his lap. We look at each other, our upside down smiles entertaining one another.

I lick my lips–they are chapped from dehydration, I’m sure, but that was my signal. He’s already turned away speaking with Fifi.

I reach up to his face, carefree of what she might say and feel the stubble on his cheeks and feel his prickly upper lip with my thumb. Hand eye coordination is surprisingly well.

I lick them again, damn it. This is a subconscious craving being let loose. Notice me. Diamond pays no attention to me, but puts his fingers through my hair. He seems to be ignoring me and talks to Fifi.

After eternity of staring at him, into his sparkly blue eyes, at his beautifully shaped lips, their laughing fades to silence. Fifi is dozes off.

In a rush of heat that shoots through my body, I see Diamond lean toward me.

Suddenly,

Our lips touch.

Upside down.

Like fucking Mary Jane Watson and Spider-Man!

Our lips dance together, much like his kiss in the hallway. His tongue slips into my mouth and for as weird as it felt, I fell in love with how he tasted. I didn’t want it to end.

Sexual tension is everywhere and my thoughts are becoming more and more clouded by the lust I have for this man.

Memory blanks here, but somehow, we’ve mutually decided to get in my Full sized bed–all four of us: Fifi, Diamond, Me and my Fat Ass. The lights are out, only the light shining from underneath my closet door. I’m unsure where everyone else ended up, but Diamond lies between Fifi and I. Fifi snores, a blacked out mess and a hangover waiting to be had.

But he lay awake.

With me. Drunk as fuck, but with me. I touch his chest and run my hand down it. Then over his stomach. I stop.

I remember something.

I feel for his face, graze his chin and slowly reach for his throat. I grab and press against it, then tighten my hand around it and he lets out a moan unlike I’ve ever heard. Whoa. I wanted to hear it again, so I squeezed harder. Another moan, louder now. I place my thumb over his lips; I didn’t want him to be too loud.

I’m not longer in control; something inside me takes over.

I release his throat and run my hand down his chest, then stomach. Then past his waste until I find something hard waiting for me to grab onto. Beneath his shorts, he’s harder than a god damned rock. My imagination soars.

Without hesitation, I feel him up, the only thing separating our flesh was mesh fabric. I feel something grow in my own jeans, and somehow he knew it was happening. He reaches at my belt, assisting my to unbuckle. Then, I feel him lower his own shorts, his ass hanging over the drawstring. He turns away from me, offering himself to me. I do my best to take position and turn toward him, nearly falling off the bed.

To be fair, it’s very cramped. And we aren’t alone…oh, the guilt! What shame! What horn-dogs we seem to be.

Things go dizzy. My dick grazes his ass cheek. He holds himself opens, our hands touching as we hold his ass cheek out of the way. I attempt entering him, my dick kissing his warm asshole, but suddenly…things just stop working.


Dear reader, I’ve misled you in this entry. Not only is this story of my first kiss, but also the first and only time I ever experienced “Whiskey Dick.”

We didn’t discuss this when we woke, nor did we discuss it at another drunken kickback a year or two later. Whatever our friendship status is now, we may never discuss it, but bet your ass my first kiss was a Spider-Man kiss and I almost drunk-fucked my friend at my own party. With someone else sleeping right beside us.

ninety-two

gay-chronicles


92.


I CAN ONLY IMAGINE what I’m feeling with my hair parted on the left and the majority of my curly, black mane hanging on the right.

In my hand, I hold an iPhone 5 fit with a light blue Apple brand phone case–silicone, because it feels the best.

I take a bathroom selfie in the bathroom of my 3rd floor apartment on my university’s campus. I’m looking good. I’m sure I feel cute and comfortable in my 4XL baggy shirt. This royal blue “robe” of mine is easily recognized as 1 out of the 5 or so shirts I stole from my mom at age 13 when I moved out. Even at age 20, I brood over the thoughts of stealing them in hopes to have something to remember her. I had been using them to sleep in for years, but it felt different in that moment. You see, in that moment I didn’t know for sure if I would ever see her again.

I’ve seen her plenty since.

And now I admit I’ve seen her more than I’m comfortable with at times.


Without a doubt, my intentions are to show friends the possibilities of my hair via Snapchat. It’s sophomore year of college, my hair has been steadily growing since the year before and I’ve not yet yearned to cut it. (At 20, I have my thoughts.)

I meticulously twist my locks around a thermal brush in hopes my hair will curl into, well, something similar to this:

 

October 4, 2015 @ 12:22 AM.

 

Yes, this is the picture. If I know myself, I’ve just sucked in my stomach in attempt to hide behind the guilt of being a large boy just long enough to snap the shot. I want to feel like the cute gay boys I see in Tumblr.

I crave to be an over-edited Tumblr boy.

I do not send the picture. Not right away.

Staring seems to be a waste of time, doesn’t it? Whenever I stare at something, I get lost in thought and as soon as I’m taken out of that thought, I can’t remember what I was thinking about.

I look at the photo. Then, I stare at the photo. I loose my train of thoughts. I’m lost, and I forget about the photo.

My roommate walks in to use the restroom. (The shower and toilet are in a small, separate space.) His entrance reminds me that this isn’t just a world I live in…

I swipe right on the photo, instantly adding a slightly orange filter that I suppose thought complimented my caramel skin. I rate the picture worth 6 seconds on view time–not cute enough for 10, but different enough for more than 3. After all, I worked fairly hard at those curls. But, just before I send, I save it.

12:22 turns into 1:22 as Netflix plays in the background.

Then, 1:22 AM turns into blackness.

3:06 AM | Thoughts on Adderall

FROM NOW UNTIL THE END of my life, I will definitely try my best to capture my thoughts and feelings and then share them. The last part there is the most exciting.

You see, dear reader, I love talking. And if I’m correct, I think I have always loved talking, both about myself and ALL the people around me. Without people, I’d be nothing and without nothing I’d be something I don’t want to come to know.

I find it a genuine duty to myself to record and document my life’s triumphs and battles for two reasons: 1) someday I’d like to share my knowledge with those who come after me, and 2) Imagine Googling yourself on your death bed and seeing what a full and hopefully productive life you had all 85 years before. (I don’t plan on dying at 85, and especially not a day sooner but that seems to be an OK guess.)


I listen to  Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘The Sound of Silence,’ not because I’m sad–least, I hope not–but because we recently watched The Graduate in Bowen’s class. I particulary love the film and even with it’s problematic undertones, I never thought I’d like a movie so much from 1967.

However, I absolutely adore James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause, so I’m conflicted on whether or not I enjoy older movies.

Note: I hate westerns, most black and white films without sound and never in my life will I watch scary movies by choice. Nor will I watch the 1915 version of The Birth of a Nation. 


I’d like to keep typing up a storm for the internet, but I have a Theatre paper to finish and an “experimental video” to edit. Goodnight, good morning, good boy, good life.

Picture 6

title | monday, ADD

she sits in her bathroom. i sit on her bed. watch a movie, watch anything. feeling some type of way, but not sad.

waiting for him to text. nothing’s going on there, but half of me wishes there was, but half of my realizes our differences and doesn’t want to proceed. a third half feels like I’m a wimp and another half feels we’re just incompatible.

another half can’t do math.

 

westerns disgust me. sorry, but i am 100% NOT sorry.

we kissed.

grandad’s birthday. i didn’t go home. i knew there’d be a party the next day, so I called him and wish him happy 75th.

Bestie’s roommates are throwing a goodbye party for a friend. so, i thought i was invited–which i was, but babe was hanging out with someone, too, and things got mixed up and i didn’t communicate very well.

lines were crossed.

we hang there for a while–just locked away in her room. (long story, but it was kind of cute.)

We end up at my place making rotel dip and having a cute time.

then, i’m loose and starting to touch him. this man, just being nice and gentle–i hope i wasn’t too forward. his fingers were nice to touch, his hand was nice to hold, his hair nice to run fingers through, his…lips tasted great.

surprisingly, because he’d just thrown up.

perhaps i’m disgusting.but that moment was pure magic.

hadn’t felt that way in a while. hadn’t kissed someone like that since i was 18–which, i was also drunk for…

 

SOMEDAY, i’ll have had a kiss that means more than the alcohol that got me there.

jose cuervo, complete me 

Drink, drank, drunk, gone.

You are the absolute one.

My go to, my flaw, my need, my want…

“If it stays with me, please don’t taunt.”

Last night was different. I texted my mom after having had probably 6 shots of tequila. Not a big deal, I’m used to it, but you can tell how early in the night it was–mom always goes to bed early. 

I’m with my bestie. Her place. We planned for something different, but we always stray from the original plan if it means MORE fun. 

I start the conversation with Mom. “I love you mommy!”

She replies, “I love you, too.”

“Just thinking about you. Night, night.” My text-accuracy is good considering Jose. 

“You know me well. I’m pooped.”

“Jose Cuervo is mean to me.”

“Me too.” She agreed with me. 

I suppose I’ve reached that point in my life: Where drinking isn’t a big deal and that my mom somewhat agrees with it and it’s totally ok that I text her. 

I miss her; it wasn’t a lie, I just hate that I hate her sometimes. She makes me irritated. It’s like she stays mad at the world and blames other for her problems and somehow it get twisted back at me and my family. Maybe it’s like that?? 

The last I heard, she’s not talking to my aunt–her own damn sister.

Here’s the petty part though: my aunt invited their parents to HER anniversary dinner. Not a big deal, right? Well mom hasn’t talked to my grandparents, like REALLY talked to them since I was 13, when I moved out of her place and into theirs. 

So, there’s al this issue of just them not speaking and just things being awkward especially when it’s a certain season when families are expected to be with each other. 

Christmas hasn’t been the same in years. Easter, thanksgiving, Birthday parties…

All that said, there was this really awkward time when I turned 18 and we had a big blow out. My mom was there. My siblings. My bio-dad and his new wife. Grandparents–from both sides. Many friends from school–which is unheard of because I’m fucking anti-social with friends around family.

 And my grandmother spend extra money on 2 cakes. I liked other designs and couldn’t pick, so we got both. I’m a spoiled brat…
But yeah! Thinking about mom sucks because I’m constantly reminded of how alike we are and reminded of the awkward life I’ve lived in her shadow and the shit she causes towards the family. (Don’t even get me started on my step dad.)
So, Jose Cuervo guides me away from those memories and relaxes me from the hard weeks I have at school.