It’s Late.

So, like, tonight I realized a few things:

1) My best friend Is Nesha I’shae Smith.

2) I’m mad at my mom.

3) I have issues.
So, let’s start with Nesha. I owe this girl my life! She’s my ride or die and I would rather die than to see her drift away from me. Poetic, but truthful.

Tonight, we shared what I would like to call Casper. Because like a ghost, it creeped up on me and stayed with me for hours. I experienced pure happiness, confidence in memorization, understanding the complexities of our lives, embracing the danger we are to ourselves, accepting the reality I live in, and ultimately leaping towards a future I didn’t know existed.

Excuse my cryptic, melodramatic spill, but I don’t need the entire world knowing my business. Not yet.

Casper helped me focus, helped me concentrate, helped me relax and helped me cry.

Why was I crying, you ask?

2) My mother.

3) I have felt some type of way about my mom, but lately it’s been more relevant than ever!–because apparently my relationship with my mom is possibly the source of my “issues.”

Issues include, but are not limited: hating my mother, wanting to disown my mother, irrational behavior and anxiety when my mother is around, worried I might cause a terrible fight between my family and my mother.

I have ADHD symptoms and up until a month ago I would have bet money that I was one of the worst cases out there! Lo and behold, I took the test, got heavily evaluated and then revived my results.

Results showed that, yes, though I have symptoms, some other lying issues might be occurring: MY MOTHER.

I cannot blame her entirely, but with my past haunting me, I can’t imagine it’s too far from the truth.

Let me explain.

Results concluded that I have a certain type of PTSD, possible sleeping problems–because of course the issues are in the bedroom–and a series of other “maybes” in the diagnosis report. Jeez!

Maybe this, maybe that. That’s all the report read: several maybes, a suggested sleep study eval and to consider long term therapy…

This was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am suffering from ADHD.

I can’t remember shit…I have a terrible impulse problem. I cannot focus and often interrupt people, to which they get mad and/or assume I’m just rude or inconsiderate. I can’t prioritize.

I can’t stop thinking. I feel as if my brain is constantly on the go and when I try to sleep–it’s absolute hell. I can’t just go to sleep.

I loose entire conversations when I’m speaking with others and have to ask them to repeat things.

I make plans and they fall through because I forget I even said I’d do it. I’m considered “flaky.”

I can’t finish projects. Ever. Which is weird, because if my grade depends on it, I find a way, but it’s often at last minute and never good enough.

This is what I needed to get out–on paper or on internet. It’s not everything but it’s a lot. Means a lot to myself I can just publish words and feel like I’m making a difference in my own life.


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